yesterday was my last day of high school ever. it was totally a bittersweet experience. i am super excited to go away to college next year and meet new people, but i know in my heart of hearts that i am not ready to leave.

my school was home, and although i may have not liked many people, those who i did, i appreciated their kindness and friendliness, something i dont know how to express with them, and i will never get the chance to tell them. 

teachers who i am dearly going to miss, who have impacted my life completely. i dont know how to thank certain people enough, who have changed my outlook on humanity and life in general. 

but, i have the ability to keep in touch with those who have had some sort of importance in my life, and weed out those who have not.

class of 2013 with forever be in my heart ♥

if you make your happiness dependent on other people or their opinions, than you will never achieve contentment. be you, love you, do you. say what you feel and feel what you say. life is life. cherish the little things and simply make your own happiness.

its really hard to pretend, pretend that im happy when im really not. because all i want to do is breakdown and cry. cry because life is full of disappointments and all you want is to just give up. its getting so hard to smile when life keeps letting you down continuously. you think its going to get better, and just when you do, it doesnt. why does it all have to be so hard? at what point can i no longer handle it? when is it okay to lose my composure? 

i freaking get in a stupid fight with my friend, and im made out to look like the shitty person, when i was only trying to please everyone.

and on top of that i didnt get into my first choice school. 

i just want to cry, cry for a very long time.

im ready to like lay in bed all night and cry. 

why do such rude and mean people get to be completely happy, and i just sit here and dwell in how lonely i am. i know it gets annoying because i seem to complain about it a lot, but its honestly so true. 

im not sure where im committing yet, but su is looking so good right now. i think im just excited about the facebook page, idk. lmao! :x 

have you ever just broken down? cried until you couldnt breath?

i sat in school today so anxious for the bell to ring after 8th period. i was smiling and laughing, but he was all i could think about. i wanted to leave, i needed to leave. i had so much running through my head. on my drive home “so soon by marianas trench was playing” and the words were so relevant and meaningful to how i was feeling, i literally started sobbing when i was driving. i got home, turned into my driveway and sat there. i sat there with the music blasting just crying. no one could hear me, no one could judge me. it was just a relief that i was able to let all my feelings out, everything that was running through my mind transferred down my face, tear by tear. 

realization had occured, i was alone, i was empty, i have no one. 

i should have took the hint that you didnt find me attractive when you pay me absolutely no mind in the first place. i dont know why i tried to hold on to nothing for so long, my own stupidity. of course im not pretty enough or skinny enough. these girls that you talk to are so much better than me. what was i even thinking?

so the other day i went prom dress shopping all day! we finally came across this one place, and the lady was giving CRAZY discounts on couture dresses (which you know, i dont mind) i finally found my dress, and we had to wait to order it, because my mom didnt have the money to put down right away.. 

well, i was going to post it in my schools facebook group (which shows girls the dresses you bought so no one else gets them) but i figured i wouldnt because i didnt actually get it yet.. the next day, a girl posts the exact dress. i am so upset. i loved my dress. and i know it shouldnt matter that 2 girls have the same dress, but it does to me. (especially that this girl is insanely gorgeous)

so back on the look out. hmphhhhh. 

have you ever experienced not fitting in? not feeling like youre wanted? and all you are looking for is that one person to just tell you that your beautiful. that youre everything they want. because i have.

i walk through the halls just waiting to see you. it makes my entire day just to see you for 2 seconds, but then reality hits me..

you arent looking back at me like i am looking at you. i get the biggest butterflies like i dont want to say or do anything dumb, but then i realize, im looking too far into things. im looking at you just wanting you to look at me, to think im pretty, but all you do is have your head upright and looking foward and 

it just kills me inside. 

im never going to have a chance with you, i dont know why i keep holding on. holding onto the little ideas i have in my bed but reality is, you dont even know me. 

SHIFT.

and in school today i heard that this guy that my friend likes is asking this bitch to prom with the flowers handed out on valentines. and earlier this morning i saw that this other girl got asked to prom and this guy made her a c.d. with her favorite songs and wrote “will you go to prom with me?”

at this point in my life, i only dream of that. and it hurts to know, to really know that im not going to be asked. at all. and theres nothing i can do to change that..

life is such a lonely place sometimes, especially when you have been alone for your entire life.

i walk passed you in the hallway and i look at you, but you are just focused ahead, not even noticing me.

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besides your wedding, every little girl dreams of their prom. what kind of dress they are going to where, who the are going with, if a guy is going to ask them or what not..

im a senior in high school and girls are starting to look at dresses and even getting asked.. i on the other hand am not. i doubt i will be asked, even though you are allowed to go with anyone, not necessarily someone from your school. and yet, i still wont. 

i dont talk to many guys as it is, but its just sad to me because i always looked up to this moment, taking pictures with big groups and your prom date, but i am not planning on having a date.

and if that was hard enough, my mom even mentions to me about how she wants me to have a date, and i dont have the guts to tell her that i highly doubt i am.

how can such a wonderful time in most girls lives, be so stressful in mine? i guess its just typical for me.